Saturday, April 7, 2012

Broad Beard

Bounty hunting was the name of the game with this beauty. With two counts of indecent exposure, four counts of smoking weed in public, and one count of assault on a neighbor, we picked up Keeks the Broad Beard and booked her.

Many convicts don’t know how to cope in the outside world and find solace on the “inside.” You can see this is definitely the case for Keeks by the happy dance she did when we tried to get her mug shot. To calm her down we gave her a cigarette, ripped her hat off, and told her we would auction off her hog if she didn’t chill.

Monday, September 13, 2010

Four Isn't Always A Crowd

This is my new Sister In-Law, Jo and her husband James Carter, my brother in-law. They spent their honeymoon with us. It's not so strange when you find out they're from the UK and have never been to San Francisco. Jo had all of her belongings pissed on by our newly adopted dog, Zach but she ended up loving him so much she asked me to bring a vial of his pee over the pond when we next visit. He got a little poo on her too but we'll leave that stuff in the garden.

We had such a great time with them I'm making a spot in our only closet for them to move into. Come back you two!

James gets 9.0 CCs for holding out on the beard until it got too itchy and Jo gets 9.5 CCs for a beautiful grooming job. xoxoxo

Thursday, September 2, 2010

The World of Ryan

Here's a fellow designer friend, Ryan. He works for the same company I used to work for on a magazine focused on a huge videogame. I'm sure you guessed it by now from the title. If you still don't know which game you're 100% geek free and probably have no interest in Star Trek or Comic Con.

Beard #58 = 7.75 CCs for letting himself be my victim and not calling me crazy to my face. I got the feeling he kind of wanted to ;)

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Magic Munkee

Work overload from not being able to refuse any paying jobs has made me miss a few days of posting. Not sure if anyone noticed but if you did here’s another beard for ya and an apology to go with it. This one was drawn by my good friend Nate Van Dyke (I call him Munkee), artist extraordinaire.

The swirl around the eye and hanging tongue might represent alcohol consumption during dinner, however, a feeling of confusion and general annoyance is pretty normal for us so it could just be representing sobriety.

Beard #57 = 9.5 CCs of beer for looking like a Dr. Seuss beard with Nate’s shaved head.

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Nice Pants

Jose is here from Germany visiting my neighbor. Nice guy. Nice salt n pepper stubble. Nice shirt. Nice ink. Nice metal. FABULOUS PANTS. Nice garden he's sitting in too. That’s our garden, also fabulous.

Nice pants, beard #56 = 8.0 CCs and a salute for every inch of his vessel.

Friday, August 27, 2010

Ravioli Patroli

Crashing now. What a week. I’ve still pulled off a post each day and trust me when I say it wasn’t easy. Enough about me, let’s discuss the “we” in this photo. It looks slightly New York sexy, but they’re just regular melting pot, in a large city folks waiting for the street light to change while the sunlight is burning their retinas. Either way this guy...qualifies!

#55 = 9.0 CCs cuz it be da bomb.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Beam Me Up Scottie

Yeah I know, my beards are not super exciting this week. It's been close to impossible to get out due to making money for food and camera supplies. Luckily dogs still need to poop and other peoples dogs have beards. I was kind of hoping this Scottie would beam me up onto the Starship Enterprise because Calgon hasn't been listen lately.

#54 = 5.0 CCs because I can score lower on those that can’t sue me and because his beard is shit.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Desperate Times

...It's come to this. Just for today...hopefully...

#53 = 4.0 CCs cuz it’s pretty crappy but a little funny.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010


If it's super hot outside your color palette should match. This city totally embraces the rebirth of 80s fashion so this makes him über cool. It’s 100 degrees out. He's not F'ing around. Fashion first. The rest of the city is practically naked.

Beard #52 gets 7.5 CCs because it’s barely there but his ensemble makes him blog worthy.

Monday, August 23, 2010

Lost and Found

I found this a few days ago in with a bunch of old drawings and paintings I did over a decade ago. This one is of a guy I knew in Los Angeles that was so into herbal extasy he rarely left his home. The man's house had almost no furniture but couldn’t have cared less. He seemed stark raving mad and almost scary but high enough to know you wouldn’t die by his hand as long as he had his herbal stash.

Beard #51 = 7 CCs. I could have done a lot more with his beard. Who knew I’d need it 10 years later?

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Saved by a Hipster Herd

There are many parts of town in SF where you can easily spot hipster herds. I would consider this one of average size. The skinny jeans are an instant give away. If you could zoom in you can see the guy on the far left has a toothpick in his mouth which makes them extra serious about their hipster status. The dual beards here are saving my arse because I am so busy right now I can barely find time to pee, hence no post yesterday which I almost lost sleep over but was so exhausted I crashed anyway.

Beards #49 and #50 are getting a collective 17 CCs. They have average beards (sorry hipsters) but because of them I have a little more time for a bathroom break.

Friday, August 20, 2010

High as a Kai

This is one of my dogs, Kai, and this is what you would look like if you were captured stoned and eating ice cream or if you had just been woken up from a canine siesta. Is it just me or is her beard remarkably similar to yesterday’s beard, Diego Maradona?

My sweet Kai, Beard #48, gets 8.75 CCs, Diego’s score + 1 because that tongue would make even Gene Simmons jealous.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Found in the vault

Today’s photo was like when you clean out a drawer and find that old Purple Rain T-shirt. This happened while looking for an advertisement for a friends business that I had recorded back in June. I rediscovered this beard because my friend’s ad was during a World Cup game. This would be the manager of Argentina’s football team, Diego Maradona. What instantly made me hit pause a grab my camera, even though it’s on a TV screen, was how shwarmy and dramatic he was. The man clearly loves himself.

Diego, Beard #47, deserves 7.75 CCs for some pretty dramatic beardage to match his dramatic personality. Thanks Diego for letting your fancy black n white fall into my lap today...and thank you DVR.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Art Car Eddie

This guy, Eddie, owns this crazy looking art car that was often parked by our house. Sadly the car just got impounded and he’s decided to let it go so I was pretty happy I had already taken a ton of photos of it so I can show you guys the madness. When he told me he spent 10 years collecting the items on the car I had a vision of his place being on an episode on the TV show, Hoarders before art car assembly.

Eddie, Beard #46, deserves 9.25 CCs of whatever he wants for being free and for buying me a Maker’s Mark and coke. Cheers my friend.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Mission Drive By

A drive by of the right kind happened. No one was hurt and my subject couldn’t sign a photo release because his hands were full. I live in the Mission district area of San Francisco where the streets are full of beautiful murals so you’ll probably see more of the bearded ones from me. I can't remember how long the whole mural was but I'm thinking it was at least 1/2 a block.

Note to self: Try to find a way to spend a day in this artist’s head.

Beard #45 gets 8.5 CCs for being blue and extremely cooperative.

Monday, August 16, 2010

Fuzzy Dusty

We were at a pet store because we adopted another dog and needed some floor diapers. When we walked in Dusty was there to educate us on chinchillas. Soft...both.

I'm going to give Dusty (beard #44) 8.75 CCs for having a beard that might actually be a chinchilla, although, I should probably call it a chin-heata.

And to answer your question, yes, everyone in San Francisco does have tattoos.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

You Missed a Spot

I’m not going to talk about the guy on the left because he’s already been in one of my photos. He's basically an accessory this time. The guy on the right is representing those with neck beards. I’m not sure if he tried shaving in one of those fish eye garage mirrors and couldn’t see properly or if he just can’t grow hair on his face. I’d bet you a nickle (or two) it’s the latter.

Beard #43 = 7.0 CCs because it's a bit of a hidden treasure.

p.s. This project is making me realize this city is like a giant jail with all of it's gated entrance ways.

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Cat Snatch Fever

This is what happened to the Cheshire Cat after he was snatched by the crazy Russian cat lady with 130 cats. The blood he has on his teeth happened when he eventually started gnawing on his own tail due to stress and hunger. It’s also what happened when he became a character in American McGee’s Alice.

Beard #42 gets 7.5 bowls of milk and CCs of morphine. Here kitty kitty.

Friday, August 13, 2010

OW My Back!

Here we have Craig, a furry light and sound tech. The key to his success is the pole coming out of his head that holds up his umbrella hat. This way when it rains he can protect his equipment. The downfall is his broken back from always leaning over his board. You can see the pain in his eyes. I’m thinking a back brace is in order

Beard #41, Craig, gets 9.0 CCs for a good beard and making the song Tears of a Clown by Smokey Robinson & the Miracles be stuck in my head indefinitely.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Crazy Dave

One of my favorite games in the world is Plants vs. Zombies and I was lucky enough to get invited to one of their parties. Crazy Dave is the inspiration for one of the main characters in the game. To switch it up today I conducted a little interview for you folks...

Me: did you become Crazy Dave?
Crazy Dave: I was the founder and general manager of PopCap Games San Francisco studio where the game was created.

Me: How long?
CD: From 2005-2007.

Me: Where did the pot on the head come from? Please tell me it was from a drunken moment.
CD: I’m pretty bald so I usually wear a hat outside in the summer, but the team took a few liberties ;)

Me: Do you wear a pasta strainer when it’s warmer outside so you don’t overheat.
CD: No, that would just give me a polka-dot sunburn on my scalp.

Me: Have you ever dated one of the flowers from the game?
CD: Sadly, I think they’re out of my league.

Me: Thanks Crazy Dave (Beard #40), let’s go ahead and give you and your cartoon character 8.5 CCs. It looks like I caught you after a trim but your cartoon clearly has a good thing going on.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Smoking Lotus

I count on my errands and daily outings to get me amongst other humans, hoping to run into my beard prey for the day . Two birds with one stone* so to speak. Shop, seek, shoot.

It probably goes without saying, but I’ll say it anyway, today might be one of my favorite finds thus far. Another super nice participant to those.

Beard # 39 gets 9.0 CCs for an overall brilliant arrangement.

*No birds were harmed in the making of this post.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Farmer’s Friend

I would like to introduce one of Farmer Ted’s friends from Sixteen Candles. You can also call him Ryan. He looks like the guy that played John Cusack’s ray gun wielding brother in the movie. Ryan might look like he's in his natural gear, but I actually made him wear the props.

Beard #38 gets 8.0 CCs for the chin only red beard, night vision goggles, and for taking my abuse.

p.s. Molly Ringwald is across the room ignoring us.

Monday, August 9, 2010

Send Me an Angel

This may have been the nicest human being I’ve ever met. Not kidding. His name is Gerard, or Gerry if you will, and is originally from Northern Ireland. He was oozing a beautiful energy that was so heavy I almost got some on me while talking to him.

Beard #37, Gerard gets a glowing 9.75 because he has super “hug me” powers and lucky charms.

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Decent Dave

I’ve had an off day so to continue the groove let’s do today in words starting with “D”...

Does David do Dallas? Disreputable, dysfunctional Debbie does. David’s dignity defers dosed disdain. Distasteful doings deal dreadful developments. Der!

D-beard dumber 36 = 8.0 DDs due 2 dually distinctive degrees dof darkness, do design, + dome dressing


Saturday, August 7, 2010

Mellow Mate

Does Steven look wasted to you too? I don’t think he was. We were just in such a dark setting it was causing “NAKS” (need a kip syndrome). Kip — a common Australian word for nap. Steven is from least he sounded like it.

Beard #35 — Let’s go with 7.25 CCs. It could use a little more nurturing but still quite nice. Also you can't ignore the Curl-gasm that's happening on his head.

Friday, August 6, 2010

La Fée Verte

I’m feeling particularly artsy so I picked my Cappiello poster for today’s beard. This poster of “the green fairy” which is also a nickname for absinthe. Looks like a little devil to me.

My reflection might look like I’m waving to you but what I’m actually doing is going for the absinthe bottle. After all it is Friday.

Beard #34, la fée verte, gets 9.5 CCs. I need to find some beards like this on humans. RIP Cappiello.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Where's the Fire?

I’m not sure where the fire is but I don’t think these two made it there on time with all the yelling they were doing at the pedestrians. Some of the peds were so scared they gave these two money and got in the back. Who knew volunteer firemen had to actually pay to play.

Beard #33 is getting 9.0 CCs and big-ass American high five!

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Bagel Buddy

Back to Charlie’s Cafe again. I had to take a photo of this guy that works there, Nadeem, before he shaved his beard off which apparently his girlfriend was begging him to do. I can’t say I blame her because I could image kissing him with that stache feels like kissing a mini bed of nails.

Beard #33 gets a solid 8.0 CCs because I don’t want him to drop my bagel on the floor.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Lil' Nutter

Some days = good, some = dog eggs. This day started out dog eggs but was saved by ‘Peanut Butter’ who was created by Desi. Desi’s 5th birthday is coming up September 18th and if his dad would let me I’d buy him a puppy. He totally earned it.

Since I have to take the photo myself I did it on screen (Desi lives in Illinois). I figure this way it still counts. My blog, my rules :P

Beard #32, Peanut Butter, gets 9.5 CCs because he’s absolutely beautiful. Who else do you know that has a golden glitter beard?

XO’s to Desi

Monday, August 2, 2010

Atta Boy

Hey buddy! I’m not sure if this guy was high or not but he was the happiest homeless guy I’ve ever encountered. When I approached him he immediately stuck his hand out to shake mine...which I did...which was followed by running to the car for sanitizer. Sorry dude.

Beard #31 = 9 CCs. Nice beard, nice guy.

Three bucks goes a long way with some people.

I wonder if he has any hair under that hoodie.

Sunday, August 1, 2010

Spider Man

This project is going to turn me into an alcoholic. People at bars are always more willing to have a stranger take their photo. So here we are again at a bar. While sitting there sipping away my friend saw a large spider crawling on his murse and he gently flicked it off. Not knowing his own spider flicking strength the spider flew 3 feet away and stared a hole in use as it dramatically died. Overcome by guilt we needed to relocate. As we were fleeing the crime scene this fellow walked by. I’m calling him Spider Man because the corpse is literally right behind him in this photo.

Spider Man, beard #30 (woohoo), gets 8.0 CCs because he’s a good ‘ole southern boy that looks the part and because he handled death so well

Saturday, July 31, 2010

Tasty Treats

A hike on the weekend is always nice. I have no idea where we were for this hike, I was just along for the ride. At the top of a hill I decided my friend, Keefie, qualifies for a beard. Hair below the lip. It’s more commonly known as “The Flavor Saver". Flavors to save are of many varieties but most of your minds went straight to the gutter. That’s why Keefie is up today. It’s Saturday...have some desert!

7.5 CCs for Keefie, it ain’t a big beard but it’s full of character (Beard #29).

p.s. Check out the Poo-Slug I almost stepped on.

Friday, July 30, 2010

Plastic Trees with Plastic Snakes

I just found out that Snake from the videogame, Metal Gear Solid, isn’t a real person. I also found out that Lara Croft isn’t really Angelina Jolie. Either that or the plastic surgeons are now taking things way too far. I wonder if Brad is right around the corner.

Beard #28, Snake, gets 6.0 CCs because I can’t hurt his feelings.

Nice hat Lara.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Bottoms Up

I’m having a very shitty week so I am having a drink.

Mat the bartender (Beard #27) gets 9.75 CCs for making me feel good ;)

p.s. The photo isn’t blurry cuz I’m drunk, it's just my favorite one. Bottoms UP!

Wednesday, July 28, 2010


I am positive I ruined this guy's Zen moment. I didn’t want to disturb him, but he was not my normal sort of sighting. He said yes but that he was going to carry on doing his yoga. As I was getting my camera out I looked down at my dog, Kai, who was smiling at me with another dogs ball in her mouth. Next to her was a pissed off guy with his dog and an empty ball tosser. Fifteen minutes of me tugging and struggling to get the ball out of Kai’s mouth accompanied by a horrible vibe from the other dog’s owner, and my anxiety of the whole situation was circling the yoga guy. You could almost see his aura go from emerald green to muddied red.

Beard #26 gets 8.5 CCs for being Zen enough to not kill me :)

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Pooper Scooper

The dog in this photo is probably as annoyed as it looks. I interrupted it’s afternoon waste deposit to Mother Earth. My timing has really been crap lately (no pun intended). I walked over to this guy, T.D., right as he was bending over to pick up his dog’s dump. Poor guy had to sign the release form with a dangling bag of fecal matter. What a trouper.

7.25 CCs for Beard #25. I bet he was voted Mr. Congeniality his senior year of high school. Not sure about the dog.

Monday, July 26, 2010

Glass Half Full

My good friend and neighbor, Jason, was complaining about his itchy beard and I knew he wanted to shave it so I barged in on him and his wife, Kristi before it was too late. When he opened the door I shot him in the neck with a tranquilizer dart, hog tied him, and shaved his beard half way. Call me 007 the VIII. A sexy story but you'll be shocked to hear it's not true. He did, however, let me and a few others talk him into this new beard-do.

Jason (Beard #24) gets 8.75 CCs for being so cooperative and for trying to hang onto his new beard-do for 24 hours.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Old Tom Thumb

I have to start getting some variations up on this blog so you guys don’t get too bored. Not to mention the project can be a person, animal, or thing.

Old Tom Thumb came to life today when I was sitting at my computer working and I noticed that my parrot is shedding for the summer and little fuzzies where all around me. Easy one. The hardest part was taking the photo but luckily I have a remote. Otherwise I would have had to either go buy a macro lens or cut my hand off.

Beard #23 deserves 8.75 CCs for originality and super soft hair.

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Sean Jean

Today’s victim is Sean. He came rolling by on his bike as I was leaving the park. He was annoyed with me for stopping him but luckily he didn’t say no and salvaged a little bit of my soul.

I felt so rushed with him I didn’t get the focus on his beard but in a way I don't mind because his curls were worth focusing on. He seems to have a Euro-merican thing going on. 'Risky Business' with a baguette. He did actually go straight to the café across the street.

I’m giving Beard #22, Sean Jean, 7.0 CCs. I like his whole look but attitude is still part of the rating.

Friday, July 23, 2010

Love Haight

To help myself recover from yesterday’s post I found “Not on Crack, Jack”. He was a few blocks up Haight Street from yesterday's guy. I wasn’t beard hunting when I saw him but stopped anyway. Jack was sitting on the ground working on his own art project so he was happy to be a part of mine.

I wanted to ask him if I could wax the tips of his mustache but talked myself out of it...since I didn’t have any wax on me. Note to self...when drunk enough have wax on hand.

I'm giving Beard #21 8.5 CCs for the kind of hair women pay good money for, not being on crack, and supporting the arts while making his own (a Pollock style ironing board). Good luck Jack!

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Reasons to Hate Haight Street

Today’s post has a dose of reality. I have no idea what this guy’s name is and he wouldn’t sign a release form but he promised not to sue me if I gave him $5. I took four photos and his expression didn’t change for any of them. Not even the slightest wrinkle shift. I’m not sure where he is in his head but I’m guessing it’s no place to visit.

Anonymous Beard #20 gets 7.0 CCs. Even though his beard that is very impressive the downer that followed taking the photo almost made me not post it but this is all about the journey.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Mechanical Medicine Man Dan

Just around the corner from where I live you will find Dan at his Courier Care Unit. We went into his shop today for actual bike reasons and he turned my day around because about an hour before I got turned down by some random outside of a pet store. Ass. Rejection makes it harder to ask the next person, so I owe MMM-Dan a thanks for keeping me in line with this project!

MMM-Dan (Beard #19) gets 8.25 CCs for good beard girth, his running reds hair color, and for our quick therapy session.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Solid as a Rocky

This is Rocky. If you can make the magic happen on your face like this one you had better contact me. Another thing that's good about this picture is that he’s looking out over the Mission District which is the Hispanic area of San Francisco. I should have taken his photo in front of one of the famous murals but honestly it would have distracted from the amazing clipper wizardry.

Beard #18...9.5 CCs...obviously

Monday, July 19, 2010

Salt N Jeffer

I wish you could see the back of this guys hair. It’s cut straight across like his beard. I spotted him from the back first and thought...’Oh look, another older guy with a big beard’, but to my surprise and delight he is probably in his mid to late thirties. His name is Jeff but I’d like to rename him Salt N Jeffer. Let’s just call him the proper seasoning.

17 CCs for Salt N Jeffer, Beard # 17. He make french fries even better.